


The Perks of Voyeurism

by arthur_pendragon



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Angst, Humor, Less Sass Though, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Tomoka's Fangirling and Sass, Voyeur!Tomoka, i have nothing more to say, really really sad, this became really sad, yeah i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-14 15:56:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1272478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arthur_pendragon/pseuds/arthur_pendragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She didn't mean to. She really, really didn't mean to. She didn't want to. Okay, that was a lie. I mean, Ryoma-sama, in compromising positions? Yes, please.<br/>No, but Tomoka really didn't mean to walk in on him and his boyfriend doing intimate things. And then stay and watch, because that's worse, right? Worse.<br/>But the ultimate worst is probably that she does it multiple times. Unintentional. Of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me how you feel at the end of this chapter. I want to know. I really do. And um, yeah, it's Horio/Ryoma, so if it's not tolerated by you, you're more than welcome to leave. Thank you for reading!

She didn't mean to. She really, really didn't mean to. She didn't  _want_ to. Okay, that was a lie. I mean, Ryoma-sama, in compromising positions?  _Yes, please._

No, but Tomoka really didn't mean to walk in on him and his boyfriend doing  _intimate_  things. And then  _stay_ and watch, because that's worse, right? Worse.

But the ultimate worst is probably that she does it multiple times. Unintentional.  _Of course._

* * *

 

The first time is when she breaks away from Sakuno at the tennis courts to do an errand for the coach (she volunteers. Sakuno looks like she could drop from exhaustion any second). Bring some practice rackets for the second-year players from the storage room, and also find Ryoma(-sama), because the brat (brat? As if) is missing, thus late if he ever shows up, as usual.

She skips towards the storage room cheerfully, thinking about how her brat brothers (yeah, they're the real brats, not Ryoma-sama) are away for a week on a school trip, and how everything's going to be peaceful. So that she can calmly blast her Kpop music throughout the house without interference.

Reaching the room, she isn't really inclined to disturb the layers of dirt on the door, so she opens it slightly and slips inside, shutting the door behind her silently. She's  _the_  Stealthmaster. Fuck yes.

The room is kind of dark, and Tomoka blinks and stands where she is, getting used to it. There's sunlight filtering in through the dusty windows (because everything here is dusty as hell) and illuminating a few parts of the room. Fuck, it's so cluttered. There's no space to move. Tomoka finds a heap of nets barring her movement straight ahead. So she stays stationary and looks around for a path.

Tomoka spots a bunch of rackets in one lighted section, over at the far corner of the room. Okay. Good. The storage room doesn't have artifical light, so Tomoka would've been paralysed.

Or she  _is_ paralysed. Because right there, right beside her rackets, is  _Ryoma-sama._

Tomoka instantly ducks behind the kinda-large hill of nets.

Wow. Wow. Tomoka's internally screeching. Real subtle undetectable move, Tomo. Let's hope he didn't notice you. Or the large fucking door opening.

Because, surely, he wouldn't want to notice Tomoka, not in the condition he was, hmm?

Tomoka's head rises halfway above the heap, peering slightly.

Wow, Ryoma-sama's skin looks  _really really creamy._

And Tomoka's not hitting herself for that, because she's always wanted to see him naked. But not like this!

He's leaning against the wall, letting the sunlight fall on him. He's only wearing his regular jacket. It's hanging off his arms, leaving his shoulders and chest bare. Okay, he's wearing nothing else! Tomoka really wants to leave, run away and pretend this never happened, but she also wants to stay and look at other parts of Ryoma. You know which parts.

But she can't, because Horio's head is hindering her view.

Ryoma-sama's boyfriend. Horio (Tomoka's still rolling her eyes over that one).

What the fuck are they doing? Tomoka rises a little more above the heap. Now she can see clearly. And whoa. She shivers.

Ryoma-sama's face. Fuck. If there exists a perfect  _I'm-getting-a-blowjob-and-it's-out-of-this-world_ face, Ryoma has it. Does he really have to tilt his head upwards towards the sunlight? Really? He was sexy enough without posing for the cameras (or Tomo, in this instance).

His fingers are buried in Horio's hair. Horio, strangely enough, is fully clothed. That ugly green shirt's bright enough in the minimal light falling there. Tomoka wants to grimace, but she's too busy staring at Ryoma's hip movements, hips gently thrusting into Horio's mouth. She can only guess, because she only sees the back of Horio's head. And Ryoma's fingers pulling at the strands of Horio's hair.

Um. Wow. Yeah. Tomoka grips the nets tightly, unblinking. She'll think about what to do next. Right now she's fucking watching. Or she's watching fucking. Depends on what happens next.

What happens next is that Ryoma  _moans._  It sends thrills up Tomoka's spine, it makes her weak. And she's like an entire room-length away. Horio moans in return, only it comes out as a hum. Ryoma bites his lip. "Fuck, Satoshi," he whispers. Yeah, fuck Satoshi, Tomoka thinks.

Ryoma's thrusting doesn't stop. Maybe it gets a little faster.

And Horio can totally fucking take it. He's not gagging. Which either means Horio's suppressed his gag reflex or...

Tomoka's not thinking about the second one, because that's just not possible. Horio stands up, pulling his mouth away from Ryoma-sama and walking backwards to admire him. Ryoma, who'd earlier made a disappointed, beseeching sound, now smirks at him, biting his lip, spreading his legs a little more.

And Tomoka's sure of it. All the sexy humans in the world take notes from Ryoma-sama.

She wants to scream. She can see him. She can see his...  _cock._ She can see it. Gorgeous. Glistening. Erect. Even at this distance, she can see precome on it. She's not even slightly abashed that she knows what precome is.

"You're beautiful," Horio says. Tomoka, who had been running her eyes over her god's body, is suddenly brought back to reality. The catch in Horio's voice is perceptible. Like he's sad. Like he's crushed under a burden which he doesn't and does want to remove. And Ryoma apparently knows what it is. "So are you."

"I'm not worthy of you," Horio says, head hanging.

"I don't deserve you." Ryoma steps away from the wall, grabs Horio, pushes him against it, shedding the jacket. "I don't even know what I did that you fell for me. I'm the luckiest person in the world. I love you. I love you so much."

Horio tries not to cry. A sob escapes him anyway. Ryoma kisses him.

He kisses away the tears that fall, and he kisses Horio's red, swollen lips and he puts his tongue where something else of his just was, and Horio's clinging to him like Ryoma's a wisp of air that'll float away, just float away if he doesn't hold him back.

Tomoka keenly feels like she's intruding (she was from the very beginning, of course, but this is a whole new level of emotion). This is the kind of love she understands. The kind of love she wishes to have with someone.

She shouldn't be looking at this. But she keeps looking. She keeps looking at the intimacy, because she can't move, because she's paralysed, remember?

She sees Ryoma's hands moving down Horio's body and suddenly she realizes  _she can see Ryoma-sama's ass_ and whoa - opportunity (and mental ass) grabbed. Ryoma suddenly gasps as Horio's hands grasp Ryoma's cock and Ryoma palms Horio's through the cloth.

Fuck, Tomoka, look at your life, look at your choices.

Ryoma pulls it out of Horio's shorts and they're now thrusting against each other, letting out sounds that make Tomoka shiver and clench her fists, kissing fervently. "Love you," one of them says. "Love you," the other answers.

Horio's hands enclose Ryoma's as he moves them up

and down

and his mouth opens in a cry as he comes all over them, and Ryoma follows, head on Horio's shoulder. They stay like that for a while. Tomoka contemplates revealing her presence in a fit of mad joy. Ryoma-sama just climaxed. Whoo.

"You're going to catch a cold, naked like this," Horio says. Ryoma replies, "Yeah, let me stay here for a minute."

"We're late for practice."

"Fuck." And Ryoma has to pull himself away, so forcibly that it's tangible, from Horio, lick their hands clean (Tomoka's mouth falls open at that, and Horio's blushing like crazy) and put his clothes on.

They kiss for a couple of seconds more. "Let's go," Ryoma grabs Horio's hand and starts to lead him out of the storage room. Tomoka is frozen, still with shock. Fuck, they're coming towards her. Fuck.  _Fuck._

She crawls into a space between a box full of tennis balls and a curtain of nets, a bit away from the door, just as they reach the heap of nets. Ryoma and Horio leave, open the door and close the door.

Tomoka exhales. She's still shuddering. What the fuck just happened. What.

She hyperventilates for five minutes. And then runs towards the rackets, not thinking about who were just there in that space, grabs them, and, after checking that there's no one outside the storage room, dashes to the courts, towards Coach Ryuuzaki. "Here," she says, panting, extending the rackets to her.

"Tomo-chan, are you okay?" Sakuno asks from beside her grandmother.

Tomoka shoots her a desperate look. How can she fucking tell her? She can't tell  _anyone._  And that thought is so painful. She needs to tell  _someone_ about Ryoma-sama's cream skin. Fuck.

"I'm fine," she replies. "Just tired, I ran from the storage room."

* * *

"Where'd you get the rackets from?" A voice beside Tomoka suddenly asks. Tomoka shoots a couple miles into the air. "Ryoma-sama!" she screams. "You're so cool!"

She had generated a default response to his presence.

"Where'd you get the rackets from?"

"Um, I..." Tomoka trails off. "The storage room," she finishes lamely.

"When did you get them?"

Tomoka pauses. "Before practice started today," she says, hoping against hope for her survival.

Ryoma shoots her a suspicious glance. "Did you see anything in there?"

"Ha - haha, I just saw tennis balls, and rackets and nets and the weird machines that make the white lines. Why, should I have noticed something?"

"No, not really," Ryoma says, before walking off. Tomoka is internally crying with relief. Though she won't be able to meet Horio's eyes ever again.

And that was just the  _first time she saw them, damn it._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classrooms are really supposed to be empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I slipped a Kpop reference in there. I have a Chemistry final tomorrow. What am I going to do, I have no clue. Poor Tomo. She's lucky and unlucky at the same time.

Tomoka might just have the best and the worst luck in the world, ever. Look, she's not even been  _near_ the storage room after what happened that day, but come on, for it to happen again? Somebody among the divine higher-ups is fucking conspiring against her, she swears.

It's not her fault she gets asked to fetch files from  _supposedly_ empty rooms. It's not her fault if she wants to be a good student and obey her teachers.

But, maybe it's her fault if she doesn't run out of the classroom the moment she hears them, and instead chooses to hide in the big cabinet at the far end of the classroom, too terrified to show her face to them.

* * *

Not  _terrified_ like  _terrified._  She doesn't get scared. Nope.

Slightly scared when she can hear the door getting locked from the inside.

But Ryoma-sama's been really suspicious, and who knows the lengths he can go to to silence someone?

She cracks open the cabinet doors slightly. It's them, all right. The boys she watched fucking around a fortnight ago. Echizen Ryoma-sama, her god, and Horio Satoshi (locking the classroom doors, what the fuck).

Wait -

No.  _No._

The teacher's table?  _Why that piece of furniture?_

The only thing visible from the crack in the cabinet doors?

Tomoka wants to laugh madly. How many things had to happen in the world for them to be here like this? If some scientist hadn't sneezed in Antarctica maybe she would've been home by now, and not stuck in a classroom cabinet, suffocating and desperately wanting to (and not wanting to) spy on a tennis prodigy with cream skin, which he is almost about to show, judging by how he takes his shirt off, like it's the best striptease in the world (and for Tomo, it definitely is).

Horio has been pushed onto the table. Sprawled across it, he looks startled to see the look in Ryoma's eyes. Tomoka almost wishes it was her on that table. Almost. But she knows how the two love each other. And dearly wishes they would love each other somewhere else because she wants to  _go home_  and not think about Ryoma-sama's  _cock_ , all right?

But nope. Cream skin has been exposed, and Tomoka's eyes are glued to the opening between the doors.

Horio's breathing quietly, looking at Ryoma, wonderstruck, and obviously aroused. Just - wow. Pitching quite a tent there. Ryoma licks his lips, looking at it. Horio props himself up on his elbows, maintaining eye-contact with his boyfriend. Tomoka squeaks loudly in her mind.

Ryoma moans softly, and runs his hands over his chest, stopping at his nipples. Tomoka's knees go weak. Horio reaches for Ryoma.

"No," Ryoma purrs. Yeah, purrs. Tomoka doesn't want to think about that right now, not when certain fingers are circling certain...  _nubs._  "Happy birthday, Satoshi. You don't get to touch me until I say you do."

What the. It was that guy's birthday? Tomoka squints at Horio. Where's her invitation to his birthday party?

"That's a horrible birthday present," Horio says, hand still extended. Ryoma's hands traverse a lot of milk-product skin and go below the hem of his tennis shorts, and he leans forward to take Horio's middle finger into his mouth.

Horio's head falls back in a moan and hits the table. Tomoka smirks. That oughta get him for not inviting her to his party. She refocuses on Ryoma's lips making Horio's finger all... wet.

"Ah," Ryoma gasps. Tomoka can see a hand moving, down there. Fast. Um. Wow. Okay, she is not prepared for this, hey, let's burst out of the cabinet and yell 'Surprise!' like there was supposed to be a surprise party and she's the only one who showed up.

Tomoka goes mad in these sort of moments.

Ryoma is  _loud_ this time. Yeah. Not that Tomoka's complaining. Nope. Any chance to see Ryoma-sama committing debauchery like  _this_ (gorgeous, and hot, she can fucking see the steam), she's in (and also not in. She really can't make up her mind).

She does have plenty of time to sit there and contemplate the morality of being a voyeur, but she wants the Ryoma D. Visually, because it, in every sense, belongs to Horio (Tomoka's going to be rolling her eyes over that one into the next decade).

Um, no. Ryoma-sama, please stop being a fucking tease and get it over with already because  _hot damn_ I want to get out  _and off_ and go home  _and die_.

Horio's done obeying Ryoma's rule, because suddenly he's off the table, and his hands have replaced Ryoma's, and his mouth is covering his boyfriend's and they're kissing like they're never going to see each other again, and do they really have to be this messy and dirty and unabashed and  _hot._ Really.

Tomoka wants to think about how Ryoma completely turns into a sex god only for Horio's eyes (because god forbid he show skin in tennis matches on purpose).

Tomoka wants to think about how Horio looks at Ryoma like Ryoma is his air.

But she can't, because suddenly they're getting each other naked and Tomoka's brain overloads, so she closes the door and leans against the back, breathing heavily.

_Look at your fucking life, Tomo, look at your fucking choices, you're closing the door on two boys fucking and one of them's your ultimate crush._

Fuck off, brain, I'm not ready to look at naked Horio.

Though the door has closed, her ears have not, and suddenly their moans are keenly audible. Along with some sounds that cannot possibly be made by mouths. Are they slapping each other?

No, Tomoka thinks. Please fucking don't fuck each other.  _Please let me watch._

She sinks to the floor, hating herself. She counts to a hundred, slowly.

Look, she didn't do this on purpose. She didn't know they were going to make this classroom their lovemaking zone. The teacher who asked for the files must be waiting, and waiting. What the fuck, did they really have to come here? Tomoka's barely still. Come on. Just leave already.

The moans grow louder. Tomoka can't help herself. She peeps, reopening the door.

_HOLY MOTHER OF -_

_Fuck fuck fuck. Uh, one more fuck._

_Yeah um_ fuck.

Lazy kissing just got a new definition. And also -

Horio is leaking.

Tomoka closes her eyes and counts to fifty. Slowly.

When she opens them, Ryoma is licking Horio's cock like ...

_Lolli lolli oh lolli POP_

Fuck you, 2NE1. Tomoka really hates that she listens to Kpop right now. Because that song features none other than BIGBANG, which is totally what has happened here. Wow. Um.

Sex god to the extreme, Ryoma. Now stop and go to tennis practice.

Ryoma-sama is kissing the tip of Horio's cock, licking it, sucking it lightly. Tomoka wants to die. Tomoka feels like shit right now. She should not be watching this. She should be having a mental debate on the ethics of watching this.

But Ryoma's lips,  _damn._

So, both Horio and Ryoma are pros at deep-throating. How much practice have they had?

Horio's face is hidden by his hands. Tomoka gives him a once-over because he's also a part of this - it takes two to tango (she believes this particular thing is called the horizontal mambo) - and then shifts her eyes back to the sex god.

He only needs to stare at Horio (who's watching through the gaps in his fingers) once or twice for Horio to come in his mouth. And Ryoma swallows it all. Of course. He, apparently, has a thing for it.

Come. On.

Tomoka closes her eyes. Come on? Is she really reduced to making semen jokes to herself?

She shuts the doors silently again, waiting for them to leave. The school needs to be fucking stricter about who stays back after hours and who doesn't, because this is not done. Okay? She does not want to be privy to lovey-dovey fucking between two of her classmates.

She counts to two hundred. Then, throwing all caution to the wind, bursts out of the cabinet.

Good, they're gone. But the smell remains. Tomoka really didn't want to know what sex smells like. Maybe she did. But not like this. It's like secondhand smoking. More dangerous and cruel to others than doing it yourself.

She finds the files quickly enough. Thankfully they're not on the teacher's table.

The teacher who had asked her to retrieve those files looks at her oddly. "What took you so long?"

"I couldn't find them, ma'am."

"I told you they were in Ishikawa Satsuki's desk, closest to the door."

Tomoka stares at the teacher, willing her to just fucking drop the topic. The teacher drops it. "Well, you may go now."

"Thank you, ma'am."

Tomoka runs home. Well, she tries. She's cornered by Ryoma-sama again, near the school gate.

"You were there, weren't you?"

"Where was I?"

"There, in the classroom."

"What classroom, Ryoma-sama?" Tomoka is not going to tell Ryoma she accidentally spied on him fucking his boyfriend six ways to ...

"Don't act like you know nothing. The cabinet door wasn't opening and closing on its own."

"What cabinet door are you talking about?" Tomoka is in a million pieces right now.

Ryoma glares at her. "Mada mada da ne."

Tomoka grins inspite of herself. She loves it when he says that. "I really don't know what you're talking about, Ryoma-sama."

"Just don't tell anyone."

"I can't tell people things I don't know."

Ryoma snorts. Then walks away.

Tomoka really, really plans on avoiding the both of them for the rest of her life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this became really sad from really funny, all of a sudden.
> 
> WARNING: more than one mention of self-harm.
> 
> also, tomoka talks sense into horio using those mentions. she knows what she's talking about. the author does, too.

Tomoka has learned that praying often pays off.

Well, she hasn't shut herself into rooms with any unaware pornstar classmates for about three months now. Pornstar classmates, who might or might not have skin that is  _very_ well maintained, or appendages that keep Tomoka dreaming herself into fantasies that almost always get her into trouble, seeing as the fantasies keep happening in History class.

She does see them, of course,  _them_ being said pornstar classmates, but Tomoka obviously is the very definition of Professionalism - Ryoma-sama, if he notices, doesn't give a shit, and Horio, the lucky bastard, knows nothing because he usually never fucking does (Tomoka would hit him twice or a thousand times - but she's too busy being envious to hate him)(also she could never really hate him, because under that braggart attitude lies a very insecure boy with a heart of iron forced to rust).

Praying pays off. Tomoka takes a sudden turn towards religion and the benefits of believing in a higher power.

Until one day everyone decides to fuck with her.  _Everyone_ being the boy she has worshipped since the very first sight of that Fila cap on his head.

Tomoka is minding her own business for once, walking down the school corridors after hours (being a very sincere student and doing yet another errand for a teacher) when a very clichéd and scary thing occurs: a hand shoots out of a classroom and drags her in.

Tomoka has unfortunately not learned martial arts or proper self-defence techniques, so she settles for an elbow in the stomach as she turns around to face her attacker - and the voice that yells out in pain is one which makes her heart drop to her ankles.

"Ryoma-sama! What the actual fuck - "

"Goddammit, Tomoka, the fuck were you thinking - " Ryoma holds onto his stomach, eyes shut.

"The fuck were  _you_ thinking - "

"Mada mada fucking - "

"Let's get you to the nurse's office - "

"Are you crazy - "

Tomoka flounders about in confusion, fearing for her life. Ryoma, however, stands up straight again, because Seigaku tennis boys are used to Hadokyuus 500 times the power of Tomoka's elbow jab - and says, "I need your help."

"Of course, anything you say."

"Horio and I had a fight, and he's avoiding me - I need you to do something about it."

Tomoka stops short.

"No," she immediately says. "I cannot. Ask of me something else which I may perhaps find not exceedingly taxing upon my mental health to execute."

Ryoma shoots her a dark look. "You're the only one who can do it."

"I know what you're thinking, Ryoma-sama. I can't help you get back together with Horio."

"Look, Osakada - you're the only one who knows what we get up to, and I need you to put us in one of those situations again."

Tomoka puts a hand to her mouth, prepared to do the Oneesan Laugh while denying all help - but gasps and instead says, "What  _do_ you get up to? I have no clue whatsoever!"

Ryoma blinks at her. "Okay, if we're playing this game."

Tomoka waits.

"Horio and I fuck like rabbits every chance we get, everywhere we can, and I know you saw us in the classroom and that storage room, and we've done all sorts of things before then and since, so I am  _asking you politely,_ please set us up somewhere we can be alone - he's not prepared to listen to me.

"And," Ryoma tacks on, "If you do this, I'll do anything to you, just for you, do everything you say to you."

Tomoka's mouth is hanging open by the time he's done talking.

This is unbelievable. Who is the person in front of her saying all of this?

Tomoka peers intently at Ryoma. The expression that she's seeing on his face is something that's familiar to her but unfamiliar on him -

"Ryoma-sama is really desperate, isn't he...?" Tomoka breathes quietly.

Ryoma's gaze drops to the floor. "Yeah," he says after a while. "I'm desperate to have him back."

* * *

Tomoka wishes things were different. She really, really wants to hate Horio.

But she really, really can't, because he really is just an insecure lonely boy who thinks he doesn't deserve to be loved.

And this assumption of his character is one hundred percent true because it's been confirmed by the ex-boyfriend. It's the reason they broke up.

Horio has always been on the stupider side of stupid, anyway.

She tries to talk to him during breaks - he's an entirely new person; taciturn, moody, stressed,  _rude._ He never accepts her offers of going on walks to relax. He never accompanies her to the tennis storage room when she's sent to get armloads of stuff. Suspicious glances start deterring Tomoka from using those sort of excuses again. Because, maybe, maybe Horio might know about her after all.

* * *

 

Ryoma isn't himself anymore, and Tomoka feels the jolt in her knees as she resists sliding to the floor, hand pressed to her mouth.

Giving her a show was fucking understating it - he's pulling out all the stops - Tomoka loses her first kiss to a boy desperate enough to cheat on his ex-boyfriend, and it's not romantic, it's rough, feral and miles away from 'chaste'.

Ryoma kisses every inch of her face, returning to her mouth again and again, his tongue brushing against hers every few seconds. He kisses the mole beneath her eye. He kisses her forehead. He licks her lips.

She can feel him pulling out the ends of her shirt from her skirt. Once he succeeds, his hands go underneath the shirt, up to her breasts, caressing very sensitive nipples through lacy fabric, and her back arches without her permission.

There's a place between her legs that feels very, very hot right now, and she can sense Ryoma's leg between her thighs,  _sliding between them, rubbing softly and then rubbing hard -_

But  _no, no she can't._ She _won't._ She will  _not_ let him ruin himself. So she gently pushes Ryoma away, only to see him in tears. Ryoma looks like  _he_ was the one almost ravaged - swollen lips, red eyes, open shirt - Tomoka feels so guilty she almost starts crying herself.

Stupid fucking Horio. Why hasn't he realized yet how his low self-esteem affects other people?

"I don't really want a show or anything," she mumbles against the hand she's pressed on her mouth. "I just... wish you'd be happy."

Ryoma bites his lip, wipes the saliva off with the back of his hand, and Tomoka isn't even offended.

But she lets Ryoma cover her body with his as he jerks off to Horio's name, and then watches him suck the come off his own fingers as seductively as he can with tears running down his face.

* * *

 

"Listen, you stupid fuck," Tomoka decides to damn all subtlety to hell. "Don't you fucking make Ryoma go through hell just because you think you don't deserve him."

Horio looks slightly taken aback. Not even fully. And that pisses Tomoka off even more. "I understand why you think that. But after a fucking month of ignoring him, even  _I'd_ say you need to stop feeling so self-entitled."

"Who says I'm feeling self-entitled? He deserves better," Horio says, eyes downcast.

"I bet you've been cutting yourself, too, haven't you?"

Horio doesn't reply. Tomoka grabs his arm and drags him over to the girls bathroom - pulls him inside, disregarding all protests. She pulls down the hem of her socks - untucks her shirt and pulls it up - hikes up her tights.

White scars line every hidden area. The calves. The thighs. The waist. Horio stares.

"I used to do it, too. And I fucking  _loved_ the feeling - despair. It's so fucking sweet. I mean - there's some sort of deep fucking satisfaction in thinking that the world hates you, right? That no matter what you do, you'll fuck up and not get any second chances - there's so much  _poetry_ in depression - some sort of morbid beauty in these fucking scars that'll never go, no matter how much I scrub the skin."

Horio's eyes flit to Tomoka's face, and then back to her calves - he realizes she uses very tight socks.

"But that's a shit feeling in the end. You know what? I felt like the world  _owed me_ something, because I was depressed. And then I realized I wasn't even sad anymore - I was forcing myself to be, so I could continue to feel that satisfaction. And that's what you're fucking doing - you have no clue how much he loves you - he tries to show you and you keep pushing him away! Nobody gives two shits about how much experience you have in tennis, but you keep bragging about that; and when Ryoma actually values  _you,_ you have to go and shut yourself up."

Horio blinks.

Tomoka straightens her uniform. Tucks the shirt in again. Pulls up her socks. Adjusts her tights.

"If you really think you don't deserve to be loved, then  _get over yourself._ He's been trying to show you the exact opposite of that for so long, and you're throwing him away."

She dramatically walks to the door, stops, and says, "And you're forcing me, the girl who has always loved him, to watch."

She leaves.

Maybe this'll make him go back to Ryoma.

Please let this make him go back to Ryoma.

Tomoka has learned that praying often pays off. So she prays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess it's true - i can't keep myself away from angst for more than two chapters.


	4. Chapter 4

Um, fuck.

Was she wrong in trying to get Horio to see his idiocy? No. Had she kind of gone overboard in trying to get Horio to see the results of his actions? …Yes.

Hey, anything was fine as long as Ryoma didn’t cry into her shoulder and tempt her to basically steal him from Horio again, right?

Oh my God, he’d gotten naked in front of her. Oh my God, if only he’d done it for _her._ If only. Life was a mishmash of half-achieved achievements and terrible if-onlys. She once lay down on her bed, closed her eyes, and thought so hard about how Ryoma(…-sama) had looked without any clothes on that she could now recall the sight whenever. Fuuuuuuck, he was seriously a gift to the world. Both his talent and his body and his lovely _red_ c… c… co… anyway.

A week had gone by since she’d forced Horio’s self-pity glasses off him. Hopefully they’d resolved their issues by now, and she wouldn’t be asked to get involved with them again. That would be sweet! Sweet like Ryoma’s lips had tasted. Ugh, this was so fucking complicated. Ryoma wilfully cheating on his ex-boyfriend (is it still called cheating when they’re not together?) with Tomoka just so she’d have some incentive to go talk some sense (lol) into Horio, that is. Because no matter how hard she tried, she still kept wanting to feel his hot body covering hers. It was _wrong._ She’d done the right thing when she’d pushed him away that time, no doubt. But she’d been in love with him since way before that and there’s no way feelings like that just vanish! There’s no way the lust of a couple (five) years built up over time just fades away!

She walks around school after hours occasionally, hoping Ryoma’d pull her into a classroom like before and maybe push his knee up between her legs _just right_ once more, but leaves after five minutes of nothing every time, feeling foolish and ashamed of herself.

Of course, with her luck, the day she gives up on ever knowing anything more about Ryoma and Horio is the day it happens.

She’s walking down the hall to go home when she's pulled into a classroom, horror-anime style. Maybe, just maybe, she should scream.

But then there’s a warm palm on her mouth and Tomoka has, unfortunately, memorised how Ryoma smells and feels. She goes limp with shameful want, enjoying his chest pressed against her back, an arm snug around her waist.

"Hey," his voice is in her ear, "don't scream or elbow me, okay?"

Tomoka, instead of nodding, licks his fingers, daring.

Ryoma doesn't whip his hand away.

But he does when she doesn't go further.

"Have you talked to Horio yet?" he asks in a whisper, hopeful, happy. Tomoka feels her heart fall to her feet and shatter, yet again. She turns around to face him.

"Yeah, I did," she replies, not knowing what her face looks like at that moment, "and I think I did a pretty good job of it. Hasn't he come running back to you yet?"

Showing him her scars and telling him to stop the pity parties. _Pretty good job._

Ryoma apparently knows what her face looks like while she's saying all this, because all his hope and his smile are wiped off his face and he says, "Are you okay?"

No, she's not.

"Yeah, I just have a headache, I guess. You should talk to him, he's enough of a coward to not be able to face you after hurting you this much."

Ryoma laughs, joy restored. "Yeah, I should. Thank you, Osakada." He moves to hug her, very uncharacteristic of this averse-to-showing-affection boy, and she moves backward a step. He hesitates. "Sorry," he says, looking away from her face to the clean floor they both are standing on.

"Hope he stops being a wuss," Tomoka says, and Ryoma smiles so beautifully that Tomoka's heart rises from the dead, only to break again.

* * *

 

She goes another week without news and then suddenly Horio and Ryoma are "boifrndz" again, going around together, eating lunch together, definitely fucking each other (probably in empty classrooms and storage sheds again). Yay. Good for them. She sighs deeply. She'd stop going to tennis practice (is this depression) but Sakuno would be worried and alone and made to do all the fetching work, and she won't let her best friend make it through the "ball-basket-onegai-shimasu" time again. What if she was the one that chanced upon Ryoma and Horio in the tennis shed? Tomoka was a little stronger, but Sakuno, she'd die of heartbreak!

No, it would have to be done.

When she joins Sakuno at the tennis courts, Ryoma looks around from his match against Momo-chan-senpai and smiles at her briefly, as if to convey the news of his happiness through that tight widening of his lips. She doesn't smile back, which shocks her more than it does Ryoma, because let's be honest, all this while she's begged for a little attention from the brat and now that she has it, she's repulsed by it.

"Are you okay?" Sakuno (also stunned but courteous enough to save it for later) asks Tomoka, (very cutely) putting a palm to Tomoka's forehead and another to her own, checking for a fever. Tomoka doesn't hesitate before giving _her_ a small smile though. "Yeah, just a little headache. I haven't been getting enough sleep these days."

One of those sentences was the truth. Tomoka really did spend sleepless nights hopelessly aroused by the memory of Ryoma's mouth on hers and the sight of his hand moving over his... stuff not six inches from her, but refusing to do something about it, and simultaneously feeling the happiness and emotion inside of her ebb away continuously because of the guilt and shame of what she'd let him do to himself. That guilt and horror at her own actions was ruining her image of that boy! But he'd done nothing wrong! (One thing wrong.)

After practice, she was just getting finished with the nets when Ryoma asked her to get a coffee with him. Sakuno looked like she'd been slapped, and Horio looked a little worried, that fucking irritating gnat _Tomoka stop thinking like this_ , but she accepted because their seniors were watching, too, and regardless of however muddled she was feeling about Ryoma, she wouldn't let herself be a reason for them to good-naturedly tease Ryoma further than they did already.

The nearest Doutor was open, and they found seats in a darker corner and got their coffees quickly, not having spoken a word during the short walk there.

"Have I done something?" Ryoma asks once they've both taken a sip of their beverages and figuratively consigned themselves to staying there as long as needed to finish it. "You're not even fangirling over me anymore."

"Really?" Tomoka laughs. It's not mean-spirited or anything. It's just funny, that out of all the things she's stopped doing around him, he notices that one. Natural, though, she did fangirl most often when she was in his vicinity, stupidly hoping he'd notice the loud, chatty, prominent girl over by the benches, hoping he'd notice how shiny her hair was and how white her teeth were.

"I guess I've just grown out of it," she continues. "Most fangirls do."

"Yeah," he says, unusually not-taciturn himself. He's talking more around her, he's more open around her. Does that mean he trusts her more or something? He should, given all that she's done and sacrificed for him, but it's still strange to see it happening.

"This coffee's nice," he offers as a change of topic, but Tomoka'd just rather stay silent.

Ryoma looks hurt ( _hurt_ , look at the audacity of him) when she just nods and sips more coffee to avoid answering verbally, but doesn't vocalise it. How nice.

"Satoshi came back of his own accord," he says after a while when both coffee cups are half-empty and their tongues are sticking to the roofs of their mouths. Tomoka glances at him. "Not the coward I'd thought he was, then."

"He said you... you have a lot of... injuries."

He's not a coward, Horio Satoshi, but he is a _massive idiot._

"Yeah, well, that's no one's concern."

"I didn't see them when..." he trails off. Tomoka suddenly hates him with everything she has.

"Well, it was too dark to see and you were too busy dripping tears and snot everywhere to properly feel me up, yeah?"

Ryoma's eyes widen. Tomoka, just as suddenly as she'd hated him, feels guilt crush every bone of her body. She'd asked him for a show, and then she'd pushed him away, and she'd let him masturbate in front of her to get rid of his erection. He hadn't asked for any of it.

"I... thought we were friends," Ryoma says, leaning slightly away from her, aghast.

And it's the tone of his voice more than the words of his sentence that snap something inside of her so now she's the one dripping tears and snot everywhere. She pushes her coffee cup away and hides her face in her hands, trying in vain to stop the trembling.

It had been coming, really. It just came at the wrong time.

No one around them had noticed, too busy peering into their notebooks and cellphones to look around and see a stupid girl who ruined her own stupid life with her stupid luck sobbing into her hands while a distraught boy looked on.

"I love you," she says between deep breaths, "I've loved you all the while you've loved him, and I was okay with it until I fucked up by catching you guys in the shed and then in the classroom and then letting you do all that around me."

"Tomoka," Ryoma says, but nothing further.

"Just go away, Ryoma-sama."

That title for him slips out as naturally as it had used to in the much-less-complex past, but the world just slightly tilts as Ryoma grabs one of her wrists and pulls her hand away from her face.

"You've got a beautiful mole," he says, and Tomoka's eyes overflow that much faster. She turns her face away.

"Satoshi's waiting, will you come?"

She doesn't know what for, but she nods so she can get away from this strange place with the people around her minding their own business but surely, now, aware of the drama that had taken place so close to them.

He doesn't let go of her wrist the entire walk back to the school, and she has to forcefully choke back her tears so they don't look like fools to the well-dressed, life-not-in-pieces people around them.

He leads her to the shed she'd first caught them in, not even bothering to hide his walk; the courts were abandoned this hour of the day, anyway.

He shuts the door behind the two of them. Tomoka sees it's not as bright as it had been that day, but it's still bright enough to show Horio sitting on an upended box. He gets up as he sees them, and gives Tomoka a tentative smile.

"What--" Tomoka begins, but Ryoma cuts her off. "You've seen us naked twice, and that's not really fair."

Tomoka still doesn't get it, head still light from all that crying. "What are you talking about?"

"We're saying, we need to even things."

Oh.

"But--"

"Satoshi doesn't mind," Ryoma says, walking over to him, not looking for acknowledgement because Satoshi's not so weak as to stay silent despite objections.

And also maybe because they'd planned this beforehand.

"But I--" Tomoka says again, confused and a little angry. "If I don't want to?"

Ryoma's face goes slack with surprise but he quickly recovers, "No, I'd never force you to, getting even was just an excuse. I'll even walk you home right now, if you want me to."

Horio still says nothing. Tomoka thinks he won't say anything for a couple of hours, and that he's only here so he knows who Ryoma truly loves.

"Can I?" Ryoma rephrases. "Can I please get even?"

"Why do you want to," Tomoka says dully, feeling the situation sap her emotion again.

"He's not the oblivious idiot you think he is, that's why," Horio says, proving Tomoka half-wrong.

Ryoma looks at her, waiting for an answer.

"All right," Tomoka says. "Yes. "

* * *

 

Horio really doesn't mind seeing Ryoma pushed up against someone else, does he? Based off his reaction to them being, you know, pushed up together. And kissing.

Tomoka could _die_  from Ryoma's kisses. He's not crying this time, and can focus more on the actual kissing part, and he's making Tomoka's knees go _weak_  (directly, this time!) from the taste, the sensation, the heat and the obscene, filthiest  _sounds._

Also from how his hands are moving under her clothes, let's be real. One up, one down.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

He has _really_  nice, slender fingers. Tomoka's toes are tightly curled and they're probably not going to stay that way for long, going by the way Ryoma is _taking his time and teasing everything within reaching distance._

Her strapless bra has been unclasped under her shirt for a while, and Ryoma pulls it out, with a 'it's getting in the way'. He smirks (Tomoka could fall to the floor right now, she's so _gone_ ) at how pink and sheer it is. "Feel like we should've seen you in it," he says, and while Tomoka notes the 'we', she can't say anything resembling a coherent word, so she just moans softly before she's kissed, hard, again.

Her hands move to the front of Ryoma's shorts. Ryoma immediately pulls away from the kiss and says, "You don't need to--"

"Shut up, Ryoma-sama."

He shuts up, and mutely withdraws his hands from her and helps her to get his shorts and boxers off. Over Ryoma's shoulder, Tomoka sees Horio's eyes fixed on Ryoma from behind, on his... behind.

"Can I hold you?" she asks Ryoma, who smiles and guides her hand to it.

It's hot in her hand. And _pretty_. She knows what to do, she saw it in a yaoi manga once (a lot of times) and she's read a ton of fanfiction, so she does it. Ryoma's fingers immediately go under Tomoka's skirt again. Toes are curling again. Fuck, Ryoma is... _good._

They're both making strange, soft noises now, can't look away from the sight of their hands doing what they are (Ryoma's hidden by Tomoka's skirt but moving suggestively all the same), and Tomoka's knees are really weak.

Ryoma comes all over her hands with a gasp and no warning, and it's, basically, orgasmic to watch. Tomoka tastes him. Ryoma's eyes open after his climax to the sight of Tomoka licking his come off of her fingers.

He immediately falls to his knees, face disappearing under the skirt, hands gently pushing her knees apart.

Tomoka doesn't last five minutes more, and she wishes she could have because Ryoma and his lips and his tongue are heavenly and she's never going to feel the same again.

* * *

 

Ryoma hugs her after they put their clothes back on, and she lets him this time. "Thanks," he whispers in her ear, familiar with her, trusting and intimate. "No, thank you," she replies, kissing his cheek and relishing the closeness one last time.

Then he's no longer physically close to her, and Horio meets her eyes once in silent thanks for her giving him a piece of her mind. She takes Ryoma's hand and squeezes it tightly, not willing to relinquish the permission she had to touch him without inhibition, but doing so anyway. Ryoma squeezes back, and both of them are very strong in that moment.

She's out the door, not looking back to see Ryoma looking at Horio with pure love and apology. Not looking back to see the same in Horio's eyes.

She has an uncanny feeling she'll never accidentally walk in on them ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this was a two-year long wild ride, thanks for reading this far because now I know you won't judge me for the rollercoaster mess that was this fic


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